You win some, You lose some
by Shinata-Riyoko
Summary: I hold onto your arm and it feels different. You feel different, as if we were two strangers passing by.
1. I lost

Author's note – Gee whizz, it's been years since I've written anything. Hope ya'll like this This is a two part story from different p.o.v the first part may be a guess, but the second one is easy.

Disclaimer – I own nothing!

-x-

Sitting here in the coffee shop for the last ten minutes allows me to think. It's been a couple of years since I've seen you. Have you changed? Are you still the same person I fell in love with all those years ago? I bet you're still awesome beautiful as ever though. I've travelled the world and have yet to meet a woman whose beauty rivals yours.

The door opens and the bell chimes bringing me out of my thoughts and I see you.

Our eyes meet and you walk towards me, our gaze never once breaking. My hands start to sweat and my mouth goes dry. Once again I am mesmerized by your presence. You're standing before me now and as I stand to meet you I clear my throat.

"Maura, it's good to see you. I've missed you"

I go in for a hug, but you take a step back, hands held up.

"Don't"

I freeze.

Clearing my throat again. I sit back down.

"Have a seat."

I watch as you sit down, glancing around us at the customers rushing in for their daily caffeine fix.

"It's been a while, how have you been?"

As the words leave my mouth I can't help but notice how strange they sound. We used to be so close; you used to tell me everything. Yet now you sit opposite me, carefully analysing me. You look exactly the same, yet so different all at once.

"I'm doing okay. Just closed up a case yesterday, so there's not much that requires my immediate presence at the moment."

"That's good. So you won't be in a rush to leave then?"

I try to joke, but it just sounds lame and pathetic. What's wrong with me? I know you feel the same. You just stare blankly at me. The silence is overwhelming.

"I..."

"Why are you here?"

You cut me off before I could start, straight to the point. You never were one to beat around the bush. At least that hasn't changed. I allow myself a small smile, but that quickly fades as I sigh out a reply.

"I missed you Maura. I miss us. What we had... It was amazing, I've travelled the world but I just couldn't find another one like you"

"Don't," you whisper out. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. "You left"

"I know. I know I did. And you've gotta believe me, I've been beating myself up over it. It was stupid of me, but I'm back now!"

I reach over to hold you're hand. You don't react. That's got to be a good sign right? Just like the old times.

"No, you don't understand. You left! Not just what was supposed to be our home. But me! You _left_ me! You promised me we'd be together, you promised forever. But what you gave me was nowhere near that. I spent days, weeks even just trying to understand what had happened, I tried all reason and logic, but nothing could tell me why. You left without a single note. I deserve more than that. I deserve an answer. And that is the only reason I agreed to meet you today."

Your eyes are watering. Please don't cry. I hate it when you cry, especially if I'm the cause of it.

"There are no excuses for my actions. I was foolish, and I took you granted. You were always there for me whenever I needed you, and I never really appreciated that. I was young and confused with what I wanted in life. But I'm here now! I came back; that's gotta count for something right? I came home, for you. To you."

You pull your hands away from me as you stand.

"Wait, Maura no, please"

Standing hurriedly, I hold onto your arm. You stiffen and it feels different. You feel different. My touch used to calm you, yet now it feels so distant, as if we were two strangers passing by.

"I'm with someone now."

Four words. I feel my chest pound, it hurts, unexpectedly so, why does it hurt so much?

"What's his name?"

"There is no he."

So that's it? My anger flares briefly, I'm not good enough anymore? But I calm quickly remembering her words. I left her. I should have never let my pride get in the way. I should've tried harder, fought more, but now I'm left with nothing. I slacken my grip as you turn to leave.

"What's... her name?"

I ask again, struggling to say "her". But I need to know. I need to know who replaced me. I was supposed to be the one by your side. I was supposed to be your everything.

"Her name is Jane. Jane Rizzoli. Goodbye Ian"

Jane Rizzoli. The homicide detective. She was always in the way, always making you laugh and smile, always teasing you, always so loud and uncensored…. She was always there for you when I couldn't be. I drop my hand back to my side.

I lost.

-x-


	2. I won

Author's note: I hoped you liked the first part to this story Here's the second and final part.

-x-

As I sit here on my couch sipping my wine, I can't but review on what happened earlier on.

_"There are no excuses for my actions. I was foolish, and I took you granted. You were always there for me whenever I needed you, and I never really appreciated that. I was young and confused with what I wanted in life. But I'm here now! I came back; that's gotta count for something right? I came home, for you. To you."_

_What_ was he thinking? He disappears without notice for three years and then suddenly decides to come back because he _misses_ me? He didn't seriously think I would be waiting on him, hoping for him to contact me, praying that every day after he'd left was a dream. I am a woman of science, I do not believe in things such as faith and prayers to an unknown deity who may or may not even exist… Yet I was foolish enough to try anything.

Thinking back on that day, I remember waking up to an empty bed, an empty house; running around like a headless chicken searching, hoping that he was still here. I remember the hollow feeling in my chest knowing that I'd been abandoned… Again.

Then I remember calling _her. _

She came, almost immediately, after hearing my tears and incoherent babbling, I was practically hyperventilating. She came bursting through my front door and without second though gathered me into her arms whispering words of comfort. I remember falling asleep in her arms that night.

She never asked me what was wrong. Even though I'd lied to her about his existence, I'd push her away for what I thought was the love of my life, I focused all my free time and attention on him and in return I was left heartbroken in the arms of my best friend whom I'd basically put as last priority since his return.

So she never asked. She came and held me; she never questioned when I asked her to stay. She just smiled and nodded saying she'd go home to collect some clothes. But when she walked through that door, I froze; fear of abandonment gripping my heart like a vice, and a whimper left my mouth.

"Hey, hey, what's all this about?"

"Don't leave me"

She paused and stared at me, I kept my gaze on the floor unwilling to look at her, unwilling to face the pity in her eyes. I felt guilty for unnecessary neediness, but I couldn't help it. I was scared. Seconds went by quickly in silence, her staring at me whilst I stared at the ground. Finally, I gathered up the courage to peek at her and I couldn't help the tears that escaped my eyes. She was watching me with a warm smile and nothing but love and comfort in her eyes. I couldn't handle it. I didn't deserve it, not from her, especially not from her.

"Oh hey, Maur, stop. Come on, nothing to cry about, I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm sorry, I know this is irrational and that…"

"None of that now, come on"

She held out her hand.

"Come with me, we'll go to my apartment pick up some clothes, and maybe Jo if you're up for it and then we'll come back. I'll even hold your hand all the way. I'm not going anywhere. I won't let you go"

And she never did. The entire drive to her apartment, walking up the stairs, and even packing, she did all one handed. She struggled to pack one handed and I should've helped, but I couldn't stop focusing my attention on the warmth radiating from our hands, I couldn't help but notice how well we fit together. Why have I never noticed this before? I've always touched her and never felt anything, but right at this very moment, the feelings and the emotions were overwhelming. It took everything I was just to hold in the tears. I just focused my attention on her, just watching her; everything she did was done with such determination, such dedication. I briefly wondered what it would be like to have that kind of attention lavished on myself.

"Everything okay there, Maur?"

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I quickly answered with a quiet yes. She watching my silently with a raised eyebrow, and I knew she didn't believe me. But she just nodded quietly and left it as it was. She never pushed me.

"Well I'm all packed, I dunno how long you're expecting me to stay, but I've got enough to last a couple of days. I can always just grab some more things whilst we're at work. I have a few things in my locker."

We got back to my house and when she went to put her bag in the guest room I pulled her back with our hands that were still joined and lead her to the master bedroom. She stiffened slightly at the doorway, she looked so sad, and I didn't know why.

"Please"

Was all it took, she sighed and dropped her head, before quickly raising it back up.

"Okay."

That entire night she never left my side, waiting on my hand and foot, catering to my every need, making sure I was fed and had enough to drink. She told me stories from her days at the academy, jokes she'd heard from others, she did everything to make me laugh and distract me from whatever it was that put me into this state.

One thought remained and I had to ask.

"Don't you want to know what –"

Fingers silenced me.

"I don't want to push, and I'm not going to ask. You'll tell me when you're ready, not because I've pushed you so much you can't avoid it anymore, not because you feel guilty about it, and most definitely not because you feel obligated to tell me. Only when _you're_ ready, ya hear me? All I know is that you're hurting and you need me here, and that's all that matters, everything else can wait."

Tears. Again. She's too good for me. The warmth radiating from her body so close to mine, the smile on her face, her hand on my thigh, the love in her eyes, her focus on nothing but me. It was all too much. I leaned forward and kissed her.

She broke it off.

"Stop"

One word and I felt my world start to shatter.

She raised a hand to my cheek and I flinched involuntarily. She paused briefly, pain flashed through her eyes before being replaced with love again. Slowly and tenderly she caressed my cheek.

"You're upset and confused."

I begin to protest, but she silences me.

"Shh … It's okay. You're upset and confused, but I still love you. So it's okay."

I feel the corners of my mouth begin to turn upwards into a smile.

"I don't wanna take advantage of you or nothing. But believe me when I say I love you. And when you're ready, I'll still be here. I promise."

I believed her. I would always believe her…

Until a few days later when I saw Frankie running into the morgue. It felt like the world had stopped moving; I knew that it was physically impossible, but that what it felt like to me. I couldn't even hear what he was trying to say to me.

"Raid gone wrong… Shot … Hospital … Come with me!"

I ran, as quickly as I could, as if I would die if I stopped, following Frankie to his car, we sped away to the hospital. When I got there I saw Korsak, with blood on his shirt and Frost with his sleeves rolled up and a bandage around his forearm.

"No…"

It couldn't be, you promised! Dammit you promised you wouldn't leave me, you promised you'd still be here! No!

"Whoa! Doc, it's okay, she's alright."

I couldn't breathe, I needed to see her. I had to see her!

"Where is she?"

Whose voice was that? It couldn't be mine, it sounded so foreign, so distant. They shared a look, and then Korsak walked up to me and laid a hand on my arm. It felt so wrong, it wasn't the hand I wanted, where was she?

"She's in surgery, she's gonna be fine. I promise."

No, no more promises, not now, not until I saw her. She was the last person to make a promise to me, no more, not until I can physically see for myself that she's fine.

The doctor finally came out, and told us that she received two gunshot wounds, one to the head and one to the shoulder. I held my breath, gunshot wound to the head? How could she be okay? They told us she was being moved into her room and we could see her now. Her mother was here, yet they all shared a knowing look and it was as if a mutual understanding was formed. They urged me to go and see her first, but I didn't know if I could survive it.

Taking a few deep breaths I entered her room. She was awake, but looked so pale, she had a few stitches on her forehead and her right arm was in a sling.

"Hey Maur-"

Choking out a sob and threw my arms around her shoulders. I needed to feel her, to feel her heartbeat under my cheek, cold, hard solid facts that she was still alive.

"Whoa, it's okay Maur, I'm okay"

Okay? How could she be okay, I felt anger overcome me quicky.

"You've been shot _twice_ detective!"

"Hey, hey it's okay, the first one just grazed my head and the second one was a through and through, I'll be as good as new in no time"

"_That_ is not the point! You were shot twice. You could've died!" I took in a staggered breath; the anger died away as the thought of her dying overwhelmed me. "You could've died and I would've been alone again." It came out in a whisper this time.

A look of realization dawned upon her face. She holds me to her, closer, tighter.

"I promised Maur. I promised I'd be here. I'm not going anywhere, not without you. I'd never leave you"

I didn't know what I would've done if she'd died. The thought alone haunts me, but I'm done. I'm done being afraid, I'm done thinking about what ifs, and I'm done with living life without her, or waking up without her by my side. I looked up at her, and trailed a hand across her forehead in a slow caress, down her cheek, across her lips, all the time she stared lovingly at me, unmoving, allowing me to take in her presence, our lips only centimetres apart, practically breathing in each others air.

I don't want to go on another day without her in my life.

So I kissed her. Slowly and chaste at first, then she pulled me in closer, deepening the kiss. We broke apart when air became a necessity, panting slightly.

"I promise you Maur, now until forever."

A tear slid down my cheek, it was a promise she would keep. Only her. She would never lie to me.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

Our lips touched again.

And the world felt whole again.

-x-

After my meeting with Ian today, it made me appreciate my love all the more. She'd never left me, never lied to me. She'd stayed silently by my side whilst I was pushing her away. She loved me whilst I was completely mesmerized by Ian. She loved me when he left, she loved me when I thought my world was falling apart; she loved me enough to stay. She loves me, and I am completely, totally and wholly in love with her.

I may have lost Ian that day, but what I gained was so much more. I received a person who was completely dedicated to me, someone who placed me first on their list on priorities, even before their own life and needs; someone who was patient, loving and understanding, someone who supported me without fail. What I received was perfection wrapped in a tall, strong and wild package named Jane Rizzoli.

And if this was a game, I can easily say …

I won.

-x-

End


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